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04/15/2002 Archived Entry: "3/26/02 - Cranky"

Uncentered. Out of balance. Tired. Cranky. Emotions that have generated commotions. Yes, I did my morning practice this morning. I always, by God’s grace, do my morning practice. But there are many ways to do one’s morning practice.

The goal, as stated by Guru Nanak, is quite simple. He asks, in Japji (the Morning Prayer): "What then should one do to earn the favor of the Lord?" To which he replies: "In the Ambrosial Hours before the dawn chant the name of God, and reflect deeply on its meaning."

There are times when that is what happens, for which I am quite grateful. There are times when all kinds of nonsense flows through my mind, having little to do with meditating on the nature of the Infinite, and hearing the words I am chanting. This does not trouble me, as it is part of the process, cleansing the garbage, shifting its weight and placement in the mind. And there are times, like this morning, when I am just getting through it, dragging myself along. This too, is part of the process. It may seem like a tautology, but the only way to do a daily practice, is to do it daily, come what may.

Perhaps I am asking for more than may be available, but I would like to get to a place, a way of being, that is more consonant with my higher self, in which I am more present, more of the time. Many people, teachers and leaders, say many different things about this; varying from "there is nothing to do, just let it happen," to quite specific and detailed instructions. I think, that ultimately, we are each responsible for our own spiritual development. We may have a teacher, or more than one, or guides of one kind or another, perhaps a supportive community, family, or friends. None of them have the capability of carrying us across the World Ocean. Nor, in fact, do we have the capability ourselves.

A fragment occurs to me, "it is difficult to journey across the World Ocean, and many have been seen drowning there." Multiple thoughts and directions on this.
On the one hand, I think we have the responsibility to develop our own strategy for the journey. On the other, we cannot do it without some form of Divine grace.

We all have wounds and scars on our emotional and psychic selves. These frequently profoundly impact our ability to wish ourselves well. Indeed, quite frequently, we wind up feeling that we do not deserve to do well, because of shame or guilt, or both. And very often the shame or guilt derives from some thing or pattern of things that has happened to us. Which sometimes results in our minds and behaviors entering into what is called a "positive feedback loop." We think we do not deserve to do well, so we formulate a thought or action that proves to us that we do not deserve to do well. Then we repeat this on and on.

How do we deal with this? That is where the question of strategy comes in to play. First, we need to recognize that it must be dealt with. Must be dealt with. We need to accept that we are responsible for what we do next, for what we are doing at this very moment, for this "now." And we need to accept the responsibility without inducing guilt, when what we might be doing is not what we are able to feel OK with. Guilt is the enemy, the primary obstacle. The positive feedback loop exists to serve guilt. I wonder if the Hindus ever had a god or goddess who stood for guilt. So many of us worship at its feet.