What are Self Worth wounds?
I have found that virtually all of us have been wounded in one way or another, by the things that have been done to us, the things that have happened to us, the things we have done ourselves to others or ourselves. In my work, have heard over and over again about the family dinner table being a place of hell; about the “uncle” in all his various forms (uncle, big brother, family friend, father, stepfather, grandfather, teacher) who abused the little girl or boy, once or many times, while persuading her/him never to tell anyone; about the many, many women who did not know how to say “no,” once or repeatedly, and who have been ashamed ever since; about the children, from many different cultures, watching every day in fear for their potentially raging father to come home and beat them and/or their mother; about the many cultures where child beating is a structural part of the society, and from which I have seen so many who believed that they were beaten because they deserved to be, because they were convinced that they were, and are, “no good”; about the child who is always being told that whatever he or she is doing is not good enough; about the child waiting to be seen, to be heard, to be noticed, waiting for some tiny indication of parental approval. And those who I meet are amongst the privileged, those who are able to choose to practice yoga and who can afford weekend workshops.
Wounds do not only come from abusive parent-child relationships. Fighting between parents, divorce, or death of a parent all cause wounds. Sometimes wounding can come just from careless words from a parent, such as: “Don’t be such a bad boy/girl,” or “Don’t be so stupid.” Wounds also come from a child’s sensing parental fear about being able to be a good parent, or fear that the child will not be okay; such fears seem to pass to the child virtually by osmosis.
Asking, within one’s subconscious, “What did I do to deserve this/Why did this happen to me?” seems to be a global phenomenon, across every culture I know. The result, almost always, is some form of: there’s something wrong with me, I don’t deserve, I’m not OK, it’s not safe.
When we have been told, or have concluded: “you’re no good,” “you’ll never be any good,” “you’re a bad girl/boy,” “you’re a ‘tramp’, ‘stupid’, ‘useless’, ‘dumb”, etc., etc. Inside us, at whatever age this message took root, there is locked into our subconscious, frozen in time, as it were, that being who is those things (‘no good”, “useless” or whichever), and it is that subconscious self that makes the real decisions in one’s life. Which is why, for example, that most woman who were abused as girls wind up having abusers for husbands, because they believe in their subconscious that they do not deserve any better, that they deserve to be punished for their faults; which, generally, is what they were convinced of when they were young.
These wounds, the ones that penetrate into our subconscious, wind up running our lives. All of our critical life decisions - what kind of work to do; with whom to be friends or to fall in love with; how much of life’s abundance can be permitted to oneself – are pretty much made by the wounded being within oneself. Of course, one’s socio-economic circumstances form the parameters within which these choices are worked out. However, I have seen over and over again, that most people can transcend their birth circumstances. As John Lennon used to say, “its all in the mind.”
When one believes that one does not deserve to be happy, and remember, we are speaking here of matters of degree, life is a hassle, it is hard to make the right decisions, hard to decide. One chooses, all too often, what is not good for one. Of course, one’s basic socio-economic circumstances establish the parameters within which this all takes place. For each of us, there are habits, people, jobs, and relationships that are demoting and ones that promoting. If they are promoting, they contribute to one’s sense of emotional, financial, spiritual, and/or physical well-being. If they are demoting, it is the opposite, one is unhappy, one suffers, emotionally, financially, spiritually, and/or physically.
Wounds do not only come from abusive parent-child relationships. Fighting between parents, divorce, or death of a parent all cause wounds. Sometimes wounding can come just from careless words from a parent, such as: “Don’t be such a bad boy/girl,” or “Don’t be so stupid.” Wounds also come from a child’s sensing parental fear about being able to be a good parent, or fear that the child will not be okay; such fears seem to pass to the child virtually by osmosis.
Asking, within one’s subconscious, “What did I do to deserve this/Why did this happen to me?” seems to be a global phenomenon, across every culture I know. The result, almost always, is some form of: there’s something wrong with me, I don’t deserve, I’m not OK, it’s not safe.
When we have been told, or have concluded: “you’re no good,” “you’ll never be any good,” “you’re a bad girl/boy,” “you’re a ‘tramp’, ‘stupid’, ‘useless’, ‘dumb”, etc., etc. Inside us, at whatever age this message took root, there is locked into our subconscious, frozen in time, as it were, that being who is those things (‘no good”, “useless” or whichever), and it is that subconscious self that makes the real decisions in one’s life. Which is why, for example, that most woman who were abused as girls wind up having abusers for husbands, because they believe in their subconscious that they do not deserve any better, that they deserve to be punished for their faults; which, generally, is what they were convinced of when they were young.
These wounds, the ones that penetrate into our subconscious, wind up running our lives. All of our critical life decisions - what kind of work to do; with whom to be friends or to fall in love with; how much of life’s abundance can be permitted to oneself – are pretty much made by the wounded being within oneself. Of course, one’s socio-economic circumstances form the parameters within which these choices are worked out. However, I have seen over and over again, that most people can transcend their birth circumstances. As John Lennon used to say, “its all in the mind.”
When one believes that one does not deserve to be happy, and remember, we are speaking here of matters of degree, life is a hassle, it is hard to make the right decisions, hard to decide. One chooses, all too often, what is not good for one. Of course, one’s basic socio-economic circumstances establish the parameters within which this all takes place. For each of us, there are habits, people, jobs, and relationships that are demoting and ones that promoting. If they are promoting, they contribute to one’s sense of emotional, financial, spiritual, and/or physical well-being. If they are demoting, it is the opposite, one is unhappy, one suffers, emotionally, financially, spiritually, and/or physically.
